July 31, 2007

I SO Don't Have A Foot Fetish

I've broken my own rule today, in that my ugly old feet are hanging out in public. At the office. That's just disgusting. I hate looking at other people's feet, why in the world would I think they want to look at mine?

There are a couple of answers to this. A) My feet aren't really that ugly, and B) people probably aren't noticing my feet the way I would notice theirs. I project my hatred of feet onto others. I mean, really, do you like going to the work place, the restaurant, or the movie theater and seeing this:

Ishy, veiny, hairy feet. Gross. People who have been walking for more than six months should not put their feet out for all to see. Feet are not attractive in the least, unless they look like this:

When I see feet like this, not only do I smile, I want to actually put them to my face and nibble on them.

But alas, my ugly adult feet are out for all to see, and I am ashamed. At least my sandals fit. Faux Ma wears sandals that are either too short or too wide and her big toe hangs over the end of the sandal. She has actually told me that isn't a bad thing, most people do it, and most people won't even notice. Perhaps. But I notice, and it looks dumb.

So, you people of the summer, I say to you, don't wear sandals, flip-flops, or bare feet unless you have tolerable-looking feet. And who's to say what's tolerable? Me, of course. And ladies, the french manicure on the feet is almost as dumb as Faux Ma's hillbilly toes hanging over the edge of her sandals. If you all promise to quit subjecting me to your hideous feet, I'll go home and put some socks on too.

July 19, 2007

Yet Another Episode In The Dramatic Life Of Oprah

I heard today that Oprah's dog, Gracie, died due to rubber ball chokage. Yep, choked on a rubber ball. Apparently the Oprah's dog walker and security guard tried to revive the two-year-old golden retriever to no avail.

First of all, I'm not a pet owner because A) I don't have a dog walker and other miscellaneous staff to care for any animals I might own, and B) I don't understand why anyone would want to clean up poop and barf and other bodily fluids of a species other than one's self.

Second of all, I have come to loathe Oprah and her phoney-ass persona.

Therefore, the fact that a dog under her care has choked on its own plaything isn't the least bit sad to me. What makes it better was reading
this little synopsis on the whole ordeal. Better still are the comments that follow what is supposed to be a heartbreaking portrayal of the loss of a beloved family pet.

Gigi writes: "What kind of stupid ass dog chokes to death on a ball?" I say, kudos to Gigi.

Jen responds to Gigi's comment with: "Hey GiGi, apparently you either have never had a dog or dont pay a damn bit of attention to your own. Golden Retrievers are very appropriately named. All they want to do is retrieve and if you had one or was even the slightest bit knowledgeable you would know that they are constantly carrying around a ball, toy, stick or something in thier mouth. It could have very easily choked on a ball if it was playing with a ball that was too small or perhaps was laying on its back while holding it with two front paws which I have seen numerous dogs do. Mallinformed people just spewing things out of thier mouth without facts only enhances thier ignorance. Further, that was a very heartless thing to say." I can only point out to Jen that her ignorance is enhanced by her horrible grammar and use of the non-word "mallinformed."

JenJen caught my attention with her response to the story: "Yeah sad. -- but I stopped reading after I got to "I ran out to the dog walker..." Barf. These celebs that can't change their own kids diapers or walk their own damn dogs....Barf. " The repetitive use of "barf" in this simple response is no less than hilarious, especially when followed by a simple period. Barf. I love it.

The last noteable comment to the sad story about Oprah's dead dog comes from Christine who writes: "Our Golden, Gaia died last July. It was awful. He was my first dog and I didn't realize how much it would affect me. My heart ached for so long. I will say a prayer for Oprah. I'm sure Gracie and my Gaia are at Rainbow's Bridge playing right now. " Yeah, doggy heaven. Rainbow's Bridge. I'm absolutely sure of it.