July 23, 2010

Can't Get It Out Of My Head

All morning I've had a song in my head.  It's a song I learned as a child, probably as early as toddler age.  I suppose it should make me feel comforted - you know, like I was a little kid again in the arms of my protective and loving family.  Except it doesn't.

I know a little pussy
Her coat is silver grey
She lives down in the meadow
Not very far away
She'll always be a pussy
She'll never be a cat
Well she's a pussywillow
So what do you think of that
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

I feel like a lesbian pervert.  Help me, please.

July 09, 2010

Girls, Take Notice

OK, this video makes me laugh because the older I get the more stupid "beauty" gets and it comforts me to know others feel the same way. 

However, there should also be a video about how stupid it is to drop the f-bomb every twenty seconds.  Not that I never do it.  OK, I do it a lot.  I just wanted to warn you all before you blast this from your speakers at work.

July 01, 2010

I Better Use Blunt Scissors For The Paper Chain Cuz I'm Feeling Pretty Stabbity

Well I'm just beside myself these days.  I have a shitload of things to do and I'm just too tired to do any of it.  I blame Boyfriend.  No, it's not about climbing to the heights of ecstasy every night.  I blame the pirouetts and jitterbugs he performs just as I'm about to fall asleep - while he's fast asleep.  Not only does he jump around and kick the mattress constantly, he's got one of the worst snores of anyone I've ever known, and then he blows his breath right on me, irritating my delicate skin while I'm trying to sleep.  It's starting to piss me off.  Oh yeah, he feels all bad when he sees me sleeping on the couch in the morning after he's had the bed to himself all night long, but his guilt just doesn't fill me with the energy I need to get through the day.  Sorry, hon.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to tolerate my stupid-ass job.  I'm surrounded by beige all day long.  And the air is so damn cold in the office I welcome going out into the sweltering summer heat and the end of the day and then deny Boyfriend any conditioned air in our house because damn it, I'm chilled to the bone from being at work.  Not only that, the whole principle behind my job has morphed into something so disgusting and wrong and I feel like I should quit just for the high ethics I hold.  I gave up giving money to panhandlers the day one of them didn't say "thank you," so why should I support an agency that gives money to people with pretend mental disorders who work harder to get free government money and finagle their way around the system than they would have to at a real job?  I could write a year's worth of posts on the scandal of it all, but that's not what this post is about.

This post is about the what-ifs.  What if I didn't have to go to a job every day?  My mother says when we aren't working at a job we must fill our time doing volunteer work.  She was going to rock crack babies when she retired.  Didn't ever see that come to fruition, or any other volunteer work on her part except for doing church lady stuff for free, which doesn't count because church activities are questionable regarding their productivity.  She still believes her children should be productive in the community whether or not they are getting paid for it.  Piffle. 

Now I know there are a lot of you out there who are without jobs against your choice.  Boo-hoo.  I also know there are a lot of people out there who got laid off of their jobs and it was the best thing that ever happened to them.  I secretly wish that would happen to me because I'm too chicken-shit to up and actually quit my job.  But for those of you who have the luxury of time and options, quit your complaining.  There are plenty of us who would kill to be in your position right now, except we have to work to support the unemployment benefits you're getting.

If I didn't have to go to work for someone else for forty hours a week I would...

1.  not care if Boyfriend kept me up all night long with this thrashing and snoring because I could sleep during the day (very vampiresque).

2. not have to look at morons pacing back and forth in the public building hallway with phones growing out of their ears instead of doing the job they're paid to do.

3.  win a prize for inventing a technique aimed at the permanent elimination of the dust bunny population in my house.

4.  cook dinner for my darling Boyfriend every night of the week.

5.  iron clothes at least once a week, except I guess I wouldn't have to because I wouldn't be working for the dress code nazis like I do now. 

6.  beat computer Solitaire more than 4% of the time like I do now.

7.  improve my appearance and hygiene because a) I'd have more time to pay attention to such details and b) I'd like myself much more and would consider myself worthy of luxurious baths and consistent good hair days.

8.  laugh in the faces of those who pity me for being unemployed and say to them "you wish you could sit around eating bon-bons and watching I Dream Of Jeannie reruns while simultaneously knowing there are no dust bunnies within a city block's radius of you."

9.  become the next hottest thing in social media

10. write a blog post more than once a month, which would in turn make me an awesome writer and I'd be sought after for ad space on my blog and hunted down by publishers everywhere begging me to write a book.

I could go on and on.  My house would be exquisitely decorated, or at least be freshly painted.  My car would be washed and waxed all the time.  I would be friggin' June Cleaver and love every minute of it.  I'd even master the art of frosting a cupcake.

Until then I can only count the days to retirement and hope to God I don't die before then.  I have a plan to create a paper chain made of very colorful construction paper marking the weeks remaining (well over 200) until my official retirement.  I think I'll hang it on the bullet-proof glass protecting my work space, just to cheer things up a little.