November 17, 2006

The Mane Event

I've always liked Martha Stewart. I used to tape her pre-prison show every day, and watch it in the evenings to relieve the stresses of the day. The music between segments was so soothing, as was her voice, no matter if she was polishing silver or harvesting home-grown potatoes. She had great guests who had creative ideas and taught us how to execute them. Martha made me want to be a good homemaker. She made me want to cook to my heart's content. She made me want to hand-craft every gift I would ever give to another person. She was an inspiration.

During Martha's days as caged heat, something changed. I don't know if something happened to her, or if the people who took charge of the company in her absence decided it was payback time. Martha's lovely show turned into a live talk show that is anything but inspiring. Her website took a turn for the worse. And I became completely bereft when I was recently paging through the November issue of Martha Stewart Living magazine. Imagine my shock to see Martha Stewart serving her guests Thanksgiving dinner in ... a horse barn.

I'm sure it was presented for us to think, "oh look, how quirky and unique." It's a damn horse barn! Have you ever been in a horse barn? There's dust and dirt, hay and oats abash. They're full of horse poop. And flies are swarming because they love to wallow in horse poop. Wouldn't it be easier to deter poopy-legged flies if one served Thanksgiving dinner in, say, a dining room? I suppose Martha would scrub the horse barn thoroughly before serving food in it, but still, I don't think I'd enjoy a full Thanksgiving meal with Mr. Ed whinnying in the background. It would remind me that I'm in a horse barn. Who would even suggest serving a holiday meal in a horse barn?! I'm so disappointed.

So what's next? Will we be spending our champaign and shrimp cocktail Christmas Eve in the chicken coop? Will we be delighted and amused to join Martha in her glorious Turkey Hill home for a New Year's Eve cocktail party while the alpacas traipse through the house, mingling freely with the other guests?

I believe she has completely lost her mind. Next thing we know Marc Morrone will be lecturing on the finer points of beastiality.

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