January 30, 2008

Wiener Poopie

This story is remarkable on so many levels I couldn’t pass it up.

First of all, I applaud the Jesus thief. Not only is he a thief (and I say “he” for convenience, not because I naturally assume all thieves are men), but he will go so far as to hold a statue of Jesus for ransom. With a ransom note! Obviously he couldn’t put a price on Jesus, because A) how do you put a monetary value on our Lord and Savior? and B) Jesus is not the issue, the wiener poopie is. Jesus goes back when the wiener poopie is gone and stays gone. It’s absolutely brilliant.

Then there’s the victim. Jean seems to be so sad and hurt by the whole debacle. She’s sad and hurt by the missing Jesus. She’s sad and hurt by the accusations made against her. She’s sad and hurt that her dogs’ excrement was referred to as “wiener poopie.” She’s not angry that someone stole her personal property. She’s not amused by the ransom note. She’s not happy that at least her dogs are safe. She’s sad and hurt. And humorless.

Finally, that this story actually made it to the evening news is astonishing. Gang crimes and murder are everywhere. Drug activity has run rampant. For crying out loud there’s a war going on. But this station chose to run a story on a missing concrete Jesus from sad and hurt Jean’s front yard. And the reporter – how did he desensitize himself to report this story without so much as a snicker? How can one say the words “wiener poopie” without even a smile? This guy is going places. Or else he and the station he works for, like Jean, are completely without humor. Maybe there’s something in the water.

Eventually it was discovered the Jesus theft and ransom note were the work of a family member. Jean didn’t want to discuss any follow-up and stated it has become a family matter. Was this family member genuinely disgusted by the fact that Jean didn’t clean up after her wieners? Or could it be he was kidding around with this relative of his – that lady with the stick up her ass? I hope it’s the latter, because there’s nothing better than fucking with a mirthless Jesus lover with wieners and the little poopies they leave behind.

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