November 17, 2009

Bite Me Barnabas

Coming soon is a new movie in the Twilight series. New Moon, I think it’s called. People are going mental over this whole vampire thing. I’m laughing, because I’ve had a vampire thing for, well, decades. What I don’t understand is, what took everyone else so long? Another thing, this Twilight vampire guy is totally not the one.

I started having the hots for vampires way back in grade school. I didn’t realize then what I was experiencing was “the hots,” but looking back I clearly had romantic feelings. It was back in the '60s, and I would run home from school to watch the horror soap opera, Dark Shadows. Barnabas Collins was the beginning of what would turn out to be a life-long love for the blood-sucking undead. He wasn’t attractive to look at by any means, but he had a certain je nais c'est quoi. In fact a couple of years ago Boyfriend bought for me, from the estate section of Bockstruck’s Jewelers, a Barnabas Collins ring. It’s an oval black onyx stone and fits perfectly on my right pointer finger, just like Barnabas wore his. Next on the list is the walking stick with a sterling silver wolf head handle, but that’s almost too much to hope for.

The story of Dracula is, of course, the ultimate in vampire stories, as Dracula is, of course, the ultimate vampire. I loved Bela Lugosi in Dracula. He made an insect-eating lunatic out of Renfield, and who could resist that “Transylvanian” accent? Plus, I always loved that band of lighting across Dracula’s eyes.

As I grew older Dracula and vampires in general became more of a fantasy than mere fascination. Anne Rice wrote the vampire trilogy (which of course grew into more than a trilogy, but then she found God and things got kind of boring and all about her). Casting Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt in the movie version of Interview With A Vampire was a tragic mistake.  While somewhat attractive, these guys lack character. I disregarded the film versions of her books, but the books themselves, delicious.

One of the most intriguing portrayals of Dracula was by Gary Oldman in Dracula. Yow. And yum. I mean, really, what’s better, the skinny boy with the pasty skin or the suave European with the top hat and ever-so-cool blue glasses? There’s no contest.

To go full circle and to arouse my fantasies even further is the upcoming remake of Dark Shadows on the big screen. And who could play the alluring vampire better than anyone in the entire universe, especially for those of us with definite submission-to-the-undead tendencies? Oh…my…God.

Twilight guy, you’re an amateur. And all you young girls out there, grow up. You can do a lot better.

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