Three Times Married, And Now We Know Why

Over twenty years ago a friend of mine, who worked at Minnesota Public Radio, escorted me to the station’s annual employees’ Christmas party. I didn’t listen to public radio much then, so I’m not really sure how many “celebrities” were actually there. However, when my friend pointed to a guy at the bar and said, “that’s Garrison Keillor,” I was immediately star struck. I had heard him on A Prairie Home Companion and was impressed that I was worthy to be at the same party as Mr. Keillor. We went over to say hello, and immediately I wanted to kick him in the balls. He was arrogant and none too discrete in letting me and my friend know that we were actually unworthy of being at the same party. I never listened to A Prairie Home Companion again.

For years I boasted that I met Garrison Keillor, and that I knew he was a complete boor. No one ever believed me. Such a creative fellow, making up those wholesome stories, being as funny as he is – how could he be a boor? This is not to mention the fact that Garrison is a hometown boy, originating from Minnesota – what could be bad about him?

Today I read an article written by him, and I simply must share some of his endearing quotes. Perhaps now you’ll all believe me, after twenty-odd years of my telling you so, that there should very well be a boycott on Powder Milk Biscuits.

“I am flying to Atlanta to speak at a benefit luncheon, and I dislike benefits because you have to endure other people’s gratitude, which can be exhausting. This sounds ungracious, but it’s true.”

“The benefit luncheon in Atlanta is not a happy time. It is an organization of Very Rich People Helping Wretched People Without Having To Be In The Same Room With Them, and it’s full of alpha males of the sort you see strutting around airports with cell phones clipped to their ears … and gushy women who tell you they adore your television show …”

“… and the president of Very Rich People gives me a hideous Lucite plaque in gratitude for my generosity, which I deposit in a trash bin at the airport, and I fly home to Minnesota.”

What a self-righteous turd.