July 16, 2006

Captain Jack Vs. Zorro

It's hot out - AND YOU NEED A POOL!! (Inside joke for those of you in the Twin Cities area who are familiar with the Watson's TV commercials.) Yes, very hot, and we don't have a pool. What better time to head off to the local movie theater and take in a good film? After all, most theaters keep their temperatures around 62 with a pleasant draft of the brisk air blowing on you at all times.

Boyfriend and I went to see Pirates of the Caribbean, Dead Man's Chest. We also rented some movies to view in the comfort of our 78 degree home (much more comfortable than the aforementioned breezy theater), one of which was The Legend of Zorro.

After seeing both movies, I was compelled to decide which of the characters, Zorro or Captain Jack Sparrow, would be my love interest du jour. Sorry, Boyfriend, you know you're the love of my life, but a girl needs a movie boyfriend too. Besides, I know you have deep desires for Catherine Zeta-Jones and that you've been thinking of her nonstop since we watched Zorro. Who knows, you might have been lusting after that Elizabeth character in Pirates too. So there. Now I feel justified to continue with my assessments of Captain Jack Sparrow and Zorro.

Both embody the element of adventure, which very desireable. Who could be bored around either one of them? Both also have a sense of fashion I like, although I think Jack beats out Zorro on this one. While I love the cape and mask of Zorro, he was actually wearing pointy cowboy boots (something I will never tolerate on a man), and that overgrown Moe hairdo looks greasy and annoying. (Yes, Moe, as in the stooge.) I've never been a fan of dreadlocks, but Captain Jack keeps his dread-like hair contained in the very fabulous head scarf thing at all times. Jack also wears those sexy over-the-knee boots which would never be referred to as "shit kickers" as the pointy cowboy boots often are. Jack also has the jewelry on his side, wearing rings on every finger. He's flashy and flamboyant, where Zorro is dark and mysterious.

Then there is the sex-appeal category. Zorro looks like he's going to eat off the face of his kissing partner, where Jack displays an urgent, yet non-aggressive kissing style. Neither is wussy or "tender" about kissing. Both mean business, which I like, but at the end of a serious make-out session, I prefer to have retained my face.

What I really feel the need to assess, however, is the overall character of each man. Zorro is the savior of the world. He fights for justice. He is good, his opponents are evil. He is flawless in his ability to overcome obstacles. Jack, on the other hand, is the savior of himself. He fights only when there is no other way out of a situation. He basically covers his own ass, and his opponents are those, good or evil, who get in the way of his getting what he wants. He bumbles through fights, but nevertheless always finds his way clear of danger in the end. Bottom line, Zorro is for the greater good, Captain Jack is for himself.

The results: Zorro gets one point for the cape and mask. Jack gets two points for the bangles and boots, and another point for the eye liner. Zorro gets one point for kissing, only because he can probably be trained to not eat off his partner's face. Jack gets two points for kissing. Zorro gets one point for being altruistic and for the greater good. Jack gets twenty points for running a bad-ass ship and stopping at nothing to get what he wants.

Zorro - 3. Captain Jack - 25.

So, while Zorro is out saving the world from evil and destruction, Jack and I will be sailing on his dilapidated ship, drinking rum, making out, looking for treasures, and saving our own respective asses from dead guys with squid faces. Sounds dreamy. Really, I'm serious. Yo ho.

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