January 09, 2010

i > u On The Road

I keep hearing how it's enough to know in your heart that you're better than someone else than to try to prove it to the idiot you're better than.  (There's a sentence with very poor grammar.  u r > me when it comes to writing, no doubt.)  Years ago I vowed to give up proving my point to idiots.  However, I've found you can stifle your natural urges only so long before you need to satiate the urge or else spontaneously combust.  As I'm not really in the mood to burst into flames at this point in my life I give you...my point. 

I'm a better driver than you are and these are the reasons.

1. I know what "yield" means.  You obviously don't.  It means "you have to wait until everyone else has passed, even if it means coming to a complete stop."  This holds true especially if you are at a red light and want to turn right and the oncoming traffic (me) has a green arrow to turn left.  I encounter this every day on my way to work.   You have a red light, dork, I have the right-of-way, so quit trying to beat me to the on ramp. 

2.  I know what "merge" means.  It's kind of the complete opposite of yield in that you do not stop and wait for the oncoming traffic (which could very well be going 50-70 miles per hour) to stop and let you in.  You speed up and merge in.  If you are afraid to do this, you should never, ever try to drive on a freeway.

3.  There is a misconception that in order to make signal lights work you need some special fluid or something.  Or could it be you are just too flippin' lazy to push that little lever on the left of your steering wheel with your finger?  I know, and you should know, the appropriate signal light should be turned on when you turn into another lane, when you turn the corner, when you turn into a parking spot, etc.  Interestingly enough, the signal lights are also called turn signals.  Use them, asshole.

4.  I know mirrors are for driving purposes, not for putting on make-up.  OK, I'll cut you a break.  You can use your rearview mirror to put on your make-up as long as you are not driving.  Parked.  Oh, and P.S., a make-up job applied while you are driving makes you look like a clown.  A scary one.

5.  I know the speed limits of all the roads upon which I drive.  (Huh?  Good grammar that time.)  These limits vary, depending on if you are driving on a freeway, a residential street, or a country highway.  That does not mean your driving speed should vary while on any of those roads.  When driving on the freeway to my job, for example, I drive 60 mph, the speed limit.  I don't drive 60 mph for thirty seconds, then drop my speed down to 50 mph for thirty seconds, then speed up to 70 mph for thirty seconds, and so on. 

6.  I know the left lane is for passing, or driving really fast.  If you're in the left lane and the people to your right are passing you up, you should have your license revoked immediately.  Get out of my way, and I mean it.

7.  I know those lines painted on the roads are wide enough apart to accommodate the width of my vehicle and I drive between them.  Even on a curve!  Were you also this bad with coloring books?  And while we're on the subject of lines, it is especially important to keep your big-ass truck between the lines of the little-ass parking spots in a parking ramp.  The rest of us who aren't suffering from Tiny Wiener Syndrome can't get in and out of our normal, self-assured-sized cars.  I guess this applies to any vehicle, not just big-ass trucks.  I just wanted to say "big-ass" to make a point.  Because after all the point of this post is to make a point.  Big-ass.

8.  I don't need bells and whistles (i.e. cell phone, blackberry, TV, video, GPS, etc) to "engage" me while driving.  Driving is engaging enough.  If you aren't engaged by the scores of idiots and maniacs sharing the road with you, you just aren't paying attention, which you wouldn't be anyway if you were watching TV or texting your internet soul mate.

I'm getting road rage just by writing this, so I guess that's my cue to stop.  Seriously, you should look to me as an example and in fact worship my excellent driving ability.  You want to be as good as me because honestly, I'm quite awesome. 

1 comment:

MaryAnn said...

One of the definitions of awesome is "to instill terror." Just thought you should know.

I've been a passenger in your car, and yes, I agree, you are an awesome driver.

Ha, ha! Just kidding!