May 13, 2006

Basking On The Shores of Alan

Dear Alan:

Last night I dreamed I went to Boston. Although I've never been to Beantown in real life, I woke up with a desire to pack everything up and move. I attribute the dream, and my urge to move there, to you. I love you Alan Shore, and I won't experience all the joy life has to offer until I am with you.

You astonish me with your ability to articulate your thoughts so perfectly without having to practice in front of a mirror. No matter what the cause, you manage to present your views in such a succinct and convincing manner that I can't help but believe all in which you believe.

The designer suits you don send my heart aflutter. I can only imagine that you also smell delicious. You are the epitome of the distinguished, cosmopolitan man. What could be more tempting?

Your scotch and cigar habit is more than endearing. The way you thoughtfully draw on your stogie and savor your liquor turns my knees to jelly and makes me all warm you-know-where. How attractive it is to see a man with a penchant for partaking in oral pleasures.

Boyfriend has accepted my desire to be with a man of your high caliber and high salary. He gives us his blessing to live happily ever after, as long as all syndication royalties are sent to him.

Your lover Denny (as you refer to him), is another matter entirely. I accept that his presence in your life is non-negotiable. His character is almost as notable as yours, but he is by no means as desirable as you. Nevertheless, I would be honored to act as a third party in any activities you and he deem me worthy. After much contemplation, I have concluded that the introduction of mad cow disease to a sexual union could be quite interesting, if not excitingly dangerous. What a delightful threesome we would make.

So, my dear Alan Shore, I submit. I bow to your eloquence and panache. Please make me wait no more to hear you say my name. I will serve you during daylight and save you from the night terrors that dastardly Tara inflicted upon you. To be sure, I would never be unfaithful, and would never ever expose you to clowns.

Until I am in Boston and legally yours,


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