May 25, 2006

I Enjoy Being A Girl

Yesterday I was tormented by the heinous byproduct of being a girl – massive overloads of bad hormones. Instead of taking Boyfriend by surprise and just pushing him down as I pass him in the kitchen, I usually try to give warning that it’s "that time." But warnings only offer warning and do nothing for the pain of actually living with Psycho Pig Bitch, Queen of PMS. I feel sorry for him, but not sorry enough to spare him if he gets in my way. Yesterday’s episode was especially disturbing as I had the uncontrollable urge to tear the faces off of every head that crossed my path. It took a few doses of happy pills to calm me down.

Calm down I did. It was a good thing too, because I didn’t know if I was in any condition to honor the appointment I had with my insurance agent yesterday afternoon. I was very grateful for my ignorance on the subject of insurance because it forced my agent to speak to me in a slow, deliberate, and almost condescending tone not unlike Mr. Rogers. I was quite soothed by the whole experience.

Today I’m feeling much better, and am merely on edge. Yesterday, I was maniacal, my emotions whipped into an incomprehensible frenzy with a vengeful rage inspired by Satan himself. Presently I feel compelled to curse at my coworkers and force people off the freeway because I don’t like the color of their cars; compared to yesterday, I’m damn near serene.

Now, if I can only get through the upcoming dinner engagement with Faux-Ma and Faux-Pa tomorrow, I’ll be out of the woods. The doctor says I can’t mix happy pills with the four Cosmopolitans I usually have when I’m out with them. Dang.

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