May 03, 2006

Sweet Melissa

She's a middle-aged sweet thing. And I mean sweet. Like, too-much-sugar-gag-me sweet. I think Melissa is so sweet because she's trying to find meaning in life. She's one of those people who always tries to find the good in everything. Gag-me sweet.

Before you start judging me for criticizing a perfectly lovely person, let me just tell you that not only is she gag-me sweet, she is on a crusade to save the face of that raging horror, Mustang Sally. She has taken it upon herself to shield Mustang Sally against cruelties Sally herself doesn't have the backbone or balls to fight herself. Cruelties such as the likes of me.

Mustang Sally's complaints would be quite noteworthy if she ever decided to do anything about them. If she actually did something about them, she probably wouldn't get on my nerves so much. But what would be the fun in that?

Recently a friend of mine and I confronted Mustang Sally regarding her recurring complaint #47: "my daddy's so mean and makes me act like an abused dog, even though he has never abused me." My friend and I read "mean daddy" as "dad who is sick and tired of his adult child sponging off of him and wishes she would get a job, keep it, and get the hell out of his house." The fact that she sabotages every job she has thereby forcing herself to live with daddy completely eludes her. Being the good friends we are, we suggested healthy alternatives to her unhealthy behavior patterns.

Enter: Sweet Melissa. Behind Mustang Sally's back Sweet Melissa ever so gently and sweetly suggested that my friend and I cease trying to help Mustang Sally, despite her secret admission that Sally is a complete psycho attention hog. Sweet Melissa suggested that we peacefully visualize Mustang Sally having a harmonious relationship with her dad, implying that those visualizations will send sweet and positive vibrations across the airwaves and into the home of Sally and her father. With all those good thoughts, what could happen but a miraculous recovery of the festered relationship between Mustang Sally and her father?

My friend quietly retreated, and I respect her for that. I, however, had to question Sweet Melissa as to her agenda. Did Mustang Sally ask her to talk on her behalf? If not, how are my communications with Mustang Sally any of her business? She didn't specify, but I know Sweet Melissa is just trying to smooth the waters to her own comfort level. Sorry, but my name isn't Smooth Water Meredith.

After a short debate regarding how the Mustang Sally situation should be handled, Sweet Melissa had the audacity to say that I am a "smart cookie" and if I think about it for a few days I will see she is right.

Smart Cookie? Cookie? Well, as long as we're being condescending, let me just say that Mustang Sally has not escaped the wrath of Smart Cookie Meredith, and Sweet Melissa can just suck herself into a massive sugar buzz.

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