Fever Pee

It started in my throat. I had that thick feeling, like there was a gelatinous pile of goo taking up residence at the base of my throat. My cough produced none of the goo, only the flavor of it.

The more I coughed, the more the germs spread. The goo gave directions for my entire throat to be inflamed and sore. It gave me a good excuse to refrain from speaking to anyone.

The sore throat gave my body instructions to start fighting back. Fever ensued. The only way I can now be comfortable is to have some portion of my body in motion at all times. With all of my aches I find myself rocking and fidgeting, behaving not unlike my ex-sister-in-law. She blamed her inability to stand still on adult ADD, but I think she just had worms.

Along with the fever trying to fry those nasty germs, my urinary system gives a valiant attempt to flush the germs out of my body. There is nothing worse than fever pee. In a weakened state, at least every half hour, I have to trudge into the bathroom. I dread the cold, impersonal toilet. Setting my hot little body on that cold seat produces a sensation so inhumane it could be considered a valid torture technique. With the commencement of the flow, I double over and rock back and forth on the seat and let loose what seems to be five gallons of fluid. By the time I’m finished, the toilet seat isn’t as uncomfortable, but I know it will have ample time to chill before I have to use it again.

Hopefully the fever will dissipate by tomorrow. I predict the goo will move into my sinuses by then. I’ll look like a stupid hillbilly breathing through my mouth and my ability to hear will be practically nonexistent. I’ll spend the day lying on the couch with a glazed look on my face, breathing through my mouth, goo draining back into my throat, watching TV at a volume that All My Children and Judge Judy will be heard by the UPS drivers as they pass down my street.

Finding me in my snotty state, pale-faced with dark circles under my eyes, weak and whiney, hair standing up in all directions, and smelling like a 1950s hospital ward, Boyfriend will wonder for a moment why he ever wanted me in the first place. But he’ll tend to me and take care of me despite his revulsion. I love him so.